I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

...and I don't know what it is that I am looking for. But I know I'm headed towards it all the time. I can feel it getting closer. I feel a peaceful joy within me, and I feel a growing freedom. I live in this moment. I still wish a change to come, but whatever the situation is, I believe it to be the best for this moment.

I still do get anxious, I do have bad times, I cry and I feel lost and helpless. I need space and time for myself, I don't want to be too dependent on others. But all the same I want to be devoted to the people I love, and I wish to share my life with another person. A person who loves me back unconditionally, not wishing to change me or chain me. I hope to find love to enrich this life. But I don't want to compromise love. I won't hang onto the first person I bump into, I trust myself to know when I meet the person who is right for me, with me.

I don't want someone to open doors for me, keep me safe and sweet talk to me. I can open my own doors just fine, my aim is to feel safe anyway, no matter who is around me and talking the talk is not as important as walking the walk. I simply wish to find a friend. Someone who appreciates and respects me, is willing to truly listen to me and open up about his own inner thoughts and feelings. Someone who walks by my side, letting me be whatever I am, not judging me or hoping I would change. Someone who doesn't get frustrated over who I am, even when he doesn't agree with me. And I wish to be exactly that person to him, as well.

Love, acceptance, respect, appreciation, trust, honesty, closeness, friendship, partnership... That's what I'm wishing to find. A lot of smiles and laughter, but tears and sadness as well, because there's no need to hide them. They are a part of life... A deep connection. Like there are a lot of conversations going on even when nothing is said out loud. And I know a connection like this can be reached, it's not just a fantasy. And I won't settle. I will find my happiness, eventually :)

Meanwhile, I'm fine living on my own, ceasing this moment, enjoying the little, extremely valuable details that make this life and this world so beautiful... Loving life, living love :)

It doesn't really matter what I do. What matters is who I really am.

A month ago I decided I'm going to move to Dublin. And it wasn't just a thought, I went into action. I dismissed my flat, promised to move away by the first of December. I started to look for a job in Dublin, and would now have one there. I've also browsed through some apartments, and would have a place to stay in Dublin while looking for my own place. I found places to store my furniture and other stuff in Finland. Everything was just working out on its own.

And then I got invited to a job interview in Helsinki. An event management job I had applied for a month earlier. A job that I back then said will solve everything for me. That if I'll get it, I will stay in Helsinki. And if I won't get it, I will move to Ireland. I didn't hear from them for a month so I assumed they've recruited someone else.

I was shocked. I had a re-evaluation crisis. And in the end decided to go to that interview, and really re-evaluate my life plans... So I went to the interview, and it went pretty well. Nothing's set in stone, though. I might really not get the job, they are interviewing six more people. If someone has experience of more of exactly similar job that this one would be, I'd guess they'd recruite that person over me. They were impressed by me, but a bit worried because I had no proof to show them that I can handle even ten projects at the same time, and really make the best out of them all. But we'll see.

The problem is that they will make the decision in two weeks. And in four weeks I will have to move out. So I'm running out of time, I really need to make decisions. Where am I going to move to? What will I do? The clock is ticking, the time is running out. 

But why am I not really worried? I'm just living my life one day at the time, feeling pretty happy and content. During this past month I've really started to love my life here in Helsinki. And even though I still know I'd be very happy in Dublin, I've started to realise I would be very happy in Helsinki, too. The thing is, it doesn't really matter where I am. That happiness is in me, and it will be in me wherever I live. Therefore the decision doesn't really matter a lot. I probably should think about which place has more to offer me. But they both have their pros and cons...

I have my friends here in Finland... And I've actually been a little bit surprised to see how they've reacted to my plans. They really don't want to let me go, they really wish I would stay. Though if I leave, they'll understand and be happy for me. I really love my friends, they are the best, they really are... And in Finland I have better options in developing professionally, getting good jobs. Whereas Dublin would be an exciting adventure in itself! It's my favourite city in the world, at least in top 3. It's the music capital for me... I would love to live there!

But I'm about to be ready to settle, finally... I've been floating my whole life, I haven't really had roots, ever. I'm a traveler, always have been. I love adventures. I love taking off and jumping into unknown. But I've started to question my motives... Am I in fact running away from myself and my disappointments?

So now I'm going to spend the Christmas in Lapland with my family. This is the very first time for that since I moved away from Lapland when I was 18 years old, so seven years ago... And I'm not going into details, but it's a big thing. I'm really about to solve some very basic problems in my life. To face my past and shake hands with it. I feel so at ease, so peaceful, so in harmony, and so strong. I am ready to take the next step, to go to a new level in life. I am ready to live without fear and grief. And I'm so excited about this. All of the sudden everything looks a bit different. I'm a bit different. In fact, this is the big adventure I need to take. To go home and find peace there. That's my biggest life lesson. The big truths are usually very close to us. No matter how fast and far away I run, I won't find any more life changing truths anywhere else. This is it... :)

But I've also realised, it doesn't matter if I'll get the job I applied for in Helsinki... It doesn't matter what I do, what matters is who I really am. Not the location, not the position. Just me. Us all. What's within us. And the more I am being openly myself, the more people seem to be drawn to me. I've been getting such positive feedback from even complete strangers lately, it's amazing. It's like I've started to radiate, and the surroundings have started to radiate back! Which makes me want to radiate even more... :)

It's just a bit difficult for me to make decisions based on what I want right now... Because I know I'll be happy anyhow. I only have equally good options. So I've decided I'll let life guide me. I'm sort of waiting for something to show me the way. And I just believe something will lead me to the right direction. I will just know soon what I have to do. I must sound crazy, and maybe I am. But if madness means being this happy and in peace, I don't mind being an absolute wacko. In that case, shame on all of you stable, mentally healthy people out there, you don't know what you're missing! ;)

Reality is so much richer than Disney

I wish I could write about the things I experience throughout the days... The little details I see and hear and the feelings I get. But it seems impossible. Which is extremely sad, because in my opinion, those seemingly pointless things are the very core of living...

Most of my knowledge is intuitive. I have a lot of thoughts, feelings and truths which I can't verbally express. The inner world is so beautiful. But I don't know how to make it visible to the eye. I haven't found the tools for that...

Life is like a puzzle. Millions of pieces, countless possible results. Depending on the individual choices the overall picture will be different. But I don't want to get stuck with one picture. Life is not about the result, the goal. It's about experiencing the different possibilities, and going with the flow (your own personal flow, not the standard one of the society:) I enjoy the journey so much, I don't want to ever be full and ready.

I want to float free in the eternal flow. And while floating I want to radiate. Joy, acceptance, new perspectives, keys, paths, possibilities, dreams, sunshine, growth, harmony, all these things... Change is eternity.

And what comes to love... It's part of freedom. I'm so full of love. Sometimes I wish I had a channel for that love, but hey, c'mon, I do. There's so many people in my life, who love me, and who I love... But sometimes I get blind. Sometimes I shut myself down, and fail to feel that love. How sad is that... Honestly, I don't know anyone else, who has this many exceptionally great people in their life. So many true friends. None of them is the character I've built in my head - and wake up, Anna, every single one of them is better than your dream image. They are real. I'm so lucky to not have transcripted figures in my life. I'm so lucky they flow free, exactly like I do. And I should be so aware to listen to their words and realise what they have to teach me.

I'm so happy I don't live in a Disney film. That I don't get a dull prince in the end, who rides a white horse, and has no edge, no personality. And that I'm not a spiritless image of what is concidered to be beautiful (in a very dull way). I'm unbelievably grateful that I make mistakes. That I have a stupid sense of humour and that I sometimes get lost. Getting lost means finding new things that you wouldn't find if you just stuck to the designated road.

And I mean this all with all of my heart, too. My heart, which by the way is full of real feelings, and not ashamed to feel the way it does. I don't want to aim to be a holy ghost. I don't wish to be cool, either. Not to be Mother Theresa, not to be Rihanna.

I'm here, I'm like this, and I'm happy with it. I wouldn't like to be anything or anyone else. If anyone feels differently about me, feel free to. Then I'm not meant to be a part of your world :)

Changing my world

I can't even remember a time when I was happy more than a two weeks time once in a blue moon. Don't get me wrong, I've always appreciated little things in life, I've always been happy for its beautiful details and I've always embraced the world. But I have truly but secretly been sad since I was just a few years old. I used to hide away for a while and let go of the optimistic approach, when nobody saw me. I wasn't upset. I really grieved.

And I've been pretty much the same until this moment, the age of 25.

Especially these last six weeks have been hard as hell. From last November until that point I was basically married to my job. I loved my job. A lot of responsibility, very overwhelming, impossible to seperate leisure time from it, I carried it on my mind all the time. I gave it my everything. All my energy. Which resulted me being so tired otherwise, that I sort of isolated myself from all the people in my life. I couldn't be bothered to have a real social life. Had a confusing and quite long sort of a relationship, and when that ended, I over concentrated on the job even more. It became my all and everything. Almost my only contents in life. Even when I was on holiday I did some work almost every single day.

And suddenly BOOM... it was gone...

And I felt I had nothing. Absolutely nothing. I always knew I'll probably only do a few projects and then the company will go out of business, but I wanted to ignore that fact. And when the day came, I was empty. I'd put all my stakes on my work, and when it vanished, I had lost. Quite literally, because so far I still haven't learned to save money ever, so all of the sudden I simply didn't have any, and didn't have any coming my way, either.

 For a month I didn't do anything. I guess I collapsed straight into a mini depression. Nothing felt worth trying, nothing was interesting, I had no clue what I want from my life, what direction I want to turn to. Why do I even try? Nothing is forever. Whenever I have something, I lose it so quickly. That's how I felt. I was trying to live normally, but all the time just out of the blue I fell down on my knees and cried so hard I couldn't catch a breath anymore. It was physically painful, and it didn't stop. I pulled myself together again, and after ten minutes collapsed again. I don't belong here, I have nothing here. I'm not happy.

And then I went for a holiday in Ireland for two weeks. To North and to Dublin. I met such amazing people, everyone was such a character. I felt I was in a book. Everything was so unreal. Everyone was so interesting and characteristic, how could they be flesh and bones?
Many of the people might be a little bit nuts (which I love), but they're alive. Not the return of the living dead like in Finland ;)  This nation seems to live in the moment and they can just spontaniously burst into a song, unexpected, as a group of people who are strangers to each other. (I've really seen this happen:) They're not as logical and steady as the Finns, but they do live with their hearts. Here's a secret that doesn't surprise anyone who knows me: I'm the same. I live in the moment, am a bit nuts and I can spontaniously burst into a song. And I definetely live with my heart.

Suddenly it was all clear... Whenever I was looking at the calmly dramatic nature, feeling the deep peace in the air, listening to drunken people joke, laugh and sing, tasting the Guinness, wondering how can these people make me feel so at home and so welcomed or saying hello to strange people on the street in Dublin (it's a city but still random people are so friendly, quite a difference to Helsinki:) There was no masks, no roles, no playing endless hide and seek, no hidden agendas. I realised it didn't just feel like a home... It was and it is my home. And I have to move there.

Now, back in Finland, I'm taking determined steps towards moving to Dublin. I still don't know where I'm going to work, where I will live and with whom (I have good options and guesses, though:) but I will be a Dubliner. I think I've always been one. Never have I ever before had such a love and trust and connection with entire nation, as I do with the Irish. They make me feel I can be myself. Not just a part of myself at a time, but fully and completely myself. I don't feel that in Finland, I didn't feel that in England, either. Not even in Scotland. But I do feel it in Ireland...

And I'm not the type of a person, who'd just sit at home, wondering if this is a good idea, and what could be the consequences, and try and think reasonably. Hah, no way. I've always listened to my intuition, I always follow it. If it feels like the right thing to do to jump, I just jump. I do have faith in life. If I won't change my life, it will always be the same. It's my responsibility to make my life as I wish it to be, to find the circumstances where I can be happy. So, I'm ready for action now.

I'm coming home

♥

Two worlds

I live in two worlds. 

There is this physical world that we all see, the world where we live and work, study and analyse, meet each other and communicate. In this world I'm very analytical, very efficient, a perfectionist really, I take my responsibilities very seriously, I never give up. When I see a problem, I analyse and solve it. In this world I'm strong, full of energy, laughing, joking, being very social, getting along with everyone, talking a lot, being loud.
I take my work so seriously that I don't even want to relax fully on my holiday, because the work is a top priority, I truly enjoy it, and I love to organise everything and anything. I'm very trustworthy, reliable and honest.

But there is this other world... A spiritual one, the world of spirits, emotions, imagination, creativity, energies... This is the world where my soul lies. Even my mind wanders to this world all the time. It's a beautiful place that attracts every cell in me so strongly, a place that I call home. Whenever the surroundings of the physical world don't acquire me to concentrate and make results, I end up over here...

And in this spiritual world I'm a completely different person. Gentle, warm, sensitive, very loving, quiet, shy, understanding, forgiving. In this world I will always be the girl I was until the age of seven or so.

Originally, when I was very little, I only lived in the spiritual world. As a child I genuinely thought people can communicate by using telepathy. At some point I learned nobody heard me. I was so sad. I had to start to use words instead.

It was so confusing, because I heard them. I knew what they thought, and how they felt. I didn't only know how they felt, I felt their feelings. When our neighbour's dog was outside in a leash, I went to set him free, because I heard his wishes. He ran away, and I was told off by the neighbour, and again I was so confused. I made the dog happy! How could that be wrong?

I was everybody's friend. I never ever thought any bad things about anyone. I genuinely liked everyone and everything. I was comfortable just anywhere and around anybody, I didn't mind if I got seperated from my family and was around strangers, I loved it in fact. And even though I was shy deep down, I talked a lot to everyone, I always said exactly what I thought. I still get people telling me that I was a miraculously natural child. But I just didn't enjoy the company of other children as much as I enjoyed the company of adults. I could have better conversations with them...

And I didn't understand the meaning of secrets. Why would anyone have a secret? In my world everything was good and worth of sharing. Even if you made mistakes, it would be alright, there's no need to hide them, we can all learn from them. But again, it was not acceptable to share everything with everyone. Not only keeping secrets, but giving too much information was bad. I was so confused, but had to learn to live accordingly.

And I was happy all the time. I loved everything, everything was so beautiful. My mum was worried about my mental health, she said I was too sunny, and it was unnatural. She said it's not possible for anyone to be happy all the time. Well, in a way she was right, I wasn't happy all the time. I just didn't bother anyone with the information of me being sad. I did have terrible nightmares every night, but I never told anyone. Well, I did tell it by telepathy, but I guess nobody heard me. But still my happiness was genuine, there was so many things to be grateful for. How the sun was shining, how pretty the leaves and flowers and grass were, how beautifully music described emotions (I was singing before I could talk, really, I've heard this on tape), how nice people were, how many different places there were to visit... But I did learn eventually how much it tends to irritate people if you're happy all the time (it's not natural), so I had to learn to complain, too.

I guess I changed around the time I went to school. I had to absorb the social rules, and be a little bit more like everyone else to be able to cope. But still I wasn't like them, and I was bullied a bit throughout school, but I didn't take it too badly, I used to say I don't care, and I'm not mad at them, they don't actually mean no harm, they just have no idea what they are doing. They just don't understand. I think this might've been because I learned to read on my own at the age of 4, and started elementary school at the age of 6, and there was a lot of boring days between those two years, so I was reading a lot. I read the whole Bible, and probably related so much to Jesus. Really, I'm not kidding, I really do remember thinking "what a wise man, I'll try and be a little more like him." But you know, I'm thinking of what he said on the cross "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing." Sounds a bit like what I was saying about my bullies.
I'm not denying it, I was the strangest child... :) And by the way, my mum was very worried about my mental health again, because I read the whole Bible at the age of five. She was worried I couldn't handle what I read. I guess she didn't know me that well... ;)

My puberty was extremely difficult, and I guess it was because I had to come to live in the physical world, and I was still so confused. I was so angry at the world, I started to rebel and to do stupid things. And my puberty started before the age of 10 (poor parents). I didn't obey any rules anymore, I became a living nightmare. Because there was such a horrible pain in me... I was so angry that I was not allowed to be who I truly am. So I started to be the opposite of myself. I established the physical world me.

Everyone had always said "She could become just anything, she's so talented and smart, whatever she wants to do, she can do it!" and I got very frustrated with that. Everyone was expecting me to be something great, do something remarkable. So I decided not to. I had been the best student in school, I had loved school, but now I started to be absent from school, not to concentrate, not to care. I was still doing alright, and very well in some subjects - the ones that I was genuinelly interested in. Like Finnish - I wrote very long essays, and my Finnish teachers always understood me. We had a notebook called "My Secret Files" where our teacher wanted us to write down our thoughts freely, without thinking about the grammar, and she wouldn't comment any of our texts. Well, in my case, she did comment.

I wrote about how I'd seen a ghost once, and how I believed there's something in the world that we can't see, that I believe in fairies and angels - and she wrote that she believes I'm right, and that it takes a special person to see and feel stuff like that.
I wrote how I sometimes felt like nobody truly cares about me and nobody really sees where I'm coming from - and she wrote "That's not true! Everybody loves you!"
She never wrote anything to anyone else's notebook. I asked from about everyone on my class. Well, and the others were saying with a bitter voice, that I've always been her favourite, anyway. It meant so much to me, to be somebody's favourite even though they'd read my deepest thoughts, I still wasn't rejected.

But to tell the truth, I was constantly reminded about being talented, and I was so afraid of failure, that I didn't want to even try. I wanted to escape. It was a little bit too much for me, I was so sensitive, and my strength was growing too slowly, so I had to shut down from the expectations...

Even though I was angry at the world during puberty, I still had a lot of understanding and love towards people. When I started to use alcohol, and was out in the night time as a teenager, I used to always just spot the people who had a lot of worries on their mind. They didn't even have to say anything to me. Sometimes I didn't even see their face, only a back, and I just knew that person needs to talk to somebody, so I went to them, and they opened up to me, and were amazed of how I could know they were going through something difficult. Sometime I just went and talked to them. Reminded them about how incredible people they really are, and how amazing life is, and said everything will be alright, just be brave and try and don't give up. I made quite a few people cry of relief, and they said I can't be a human being, I have to be an angel. And they were really grateful. I managed to give them hope. And that made me extremely happy, too. 

After the puberty life of course hasn't been as dramatic anymore as it used to be. And I've been so much more comfortable with the physical world. I'm able to live here now. Be a part of it. But I miss being that little girl, who lived in the spiritual world and was full of love, sunshine and understanding. I still feel like that's who I truly am, and I just need to go by this role of another person. Now I'm struggling to be completely true again. I don't want to wear a mask for my whole life. I want to be myself... But how can it be so difficult, to let go roles?

Is it even possible to truly combine these two worlds and be my original self in the physical world, too?