Two worlds

I live in two worlds. 

There is this physical world that we all see, the world where we live and work, study and analyse, meet each other and communicate. In this world I'm very analytical, very efficient, a perfectionist really, I take my responsibilities very seriously, I never give up. When I see a problem, I analyse and solve it. In this world I'm strong, full of energy, laughing, joking, being very social, getting along with everyone, talking a lot, being loud.
I take my work so seriously that I don't even want to relax fully on my holiday, because the work is a top priority, I truly enjoy it, and I love to organise everything and anything. I'm very trustworthy, reliable and honest.

But there is this other world... A spiritual one, the world of spirits, emotions, imagination, creativity, energies... This is the world where my soul lies. Even my mind wanders to this world all the time. It's a beautiful place that attracts every cell in me so strongly, a place that I call home. Whenever the surroundings of the physical world don't acquire me to concentrate and make results, I end up over here...

And in this spiritual world I'm a completely different person. Gentle, warm, sensitive, very loving, quiet, shy, understanding, forgiving. In this world I will always be the girl I was until the age of seven or so.

Originally, when I was very little, I only lived in the spiritual world. As a child I genuinely thought people can communicate by using telepathy. At some point I learned nobody heard me. I was so sad. I had to start to use words instead.

It was so confusing, because I heard them. I knew what they thought, and how they felt. I didn't only know how they felt, I felt their feelings. When our neighbour's dog was outside in a leash, I went to set him free, because I heard his wishes. He ran away, and I was told off by the neighbour, and again I was so confused. I made the dog happy! How could that be wrong?

I was everybody's friend. I never ever thought any bad things about anyone. I genuinely liked everyone and everything. I was comfortable just anywhere and around anybody, I didn't mind if I got seperated from my family and was around strangers, I loved it in fact. And even though I was shy deep down, I talked a lot to everyone, I always said exactly what I thought. I still get people telling me that I was a miraculously natural child. But I just didn't enjoy the company of other children as much as I enjoyed the company of adults. I could have better conversations with them...

And I didn't understand the meaning of secrets. Why would anyone have a secret? In my world everything was good and worth of sharing. Even if you made mistakes, it would be alright, there's no need to hide them, we can all learn from them. But again, it was not acceptable to share everything with everyone. Not only keeping secrets, but giving too much information was bad. I was so confused, but had to learn to live accordingly.

And I was happy all the time. I loved everything, everything was so beautiful. My mum was worried about my mental health, she said I was too sunny, and it was unnatural. She said it's not possible for anyone to be happy all the time. Well, in a way she was right, I wasn't happy all the time. I just didn't bother anyone with the information of me being sad. I did have terrible nightmares every night, but I never told anyone. Well, I did tell it by telepathy, but I guess nobody heard me. But still my happiness was genuine, there was so many things to be grateful for. How the sun was shining, how pretty the leaves and flowers and grass were, how beautifully music described emotions (I was singing before I could talk, really, I've heard this on tape), how nice people were, how many different places there were to visit... But I did learn eventually how much it tends to irritate people if you're happy all the time (it's not natural), so I had to learn to complain, too.

I guess I changed around the time I went to school. I had to absorb the social rules, and be a little bit more like everyone else to be able to cope. But still I wasn't like them, and I was bullied a bit throughout school, but I didn't take it too badly, I used to say I don't care, and I'm not mad at them, they don't actually mean no harm, they just have no idea what they are doing. They just don't understand. I think this might've been because I learned to read on my own at the age of 4, and started elementary school at the age of 6, and there was a lot of boring days between those two years, so I was reading a lot. I read the whole Bible, and probably related so much to Jesus. Really, I'm not kidding, I really do remember thinking "what a wise man, I'll try and be a little more like him." But you know, I'm thinking of what he said on the cross "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing." Sounds a bit like what I was saying about my bullies.
I'm not denying it, I was the strangest child... :) And by the way, my mum was very worried about my mental health again, because I read the whole Bible at the age of five. She was worried I couldn't handle what I read. I guess she didn't know me that well... ;)

My puberty was extremely difficult, and I guess it was because I had to come to live in the physical world, and I was still so confused. I was so angry at the world, I started to rebel and to do stupid things. And my puberty started before the age of 10 (poor parents). I didn't obey any rules anymore, I became a living nightmare. Because there was such a horrible pain in me... I was so angry that I was not allowed to be who I truly am. So I started to be the opposite of myself. I established the physical world me.

Everyone had always said "She could become just anything, she's so talented and smart, whatever she wants to do, she can do it!" and I got very frustrated with that. Everyone was expecting me to be something great, do something remarkable. So I decided not to. I had been the best student in school, I had loved school, but now I started to be absent from school, not to concentrate, not to care. I was still doing alright, and very well in some subjects - the ones that I was genuinelly interested in. Like Finnish - I wrote very long essays, and my Finnish teachers always understood me. We had a notebook called "My Secret Files" where our teacher wanted us to write down our thoughts freely, without thinking about the grammar, and she wouldn't comment any of our texts. Well, in my case, she did comment.

I wrote about how I'd seen a ghost once, and how I believed there's something in the world that we can't see, that I believe in fairies and angels - and she wrote that she believes I'm right, and that it takes a special person to see and feel stuff like that.
I wrote how I sometimes felt like nobody truly cares about me and nobody really sees where I'm coming from - and she wrote "That's not true! Everybody loves you!"
She never wrote anything to anyone else's notebook. I asked from about everyone on my class. Well, and the others were saying with a bitter voice, that I've always been her favourite, anyway. It meant so much to me, to be somebody's favourite even though they'd read my deepest thoughts, I still wasn't rejected.

But to tell the truth, I was constantly reminded about being talented, and I was so afraid of failure, that I didn't want to even try. I wanted to escape. It was a little bit too much for me, I was so sensitive, and my strength was growing too slowly, so I had to shut down from the expectations...

Even though I was angry at the world during puberty, I still had a lot of understanding and love towards people. When I started to use alcohol, and was out in the night time as a teenager, I used to always just spot the people who had a lot of worries on their mind. They didn't even have to say anything to me. Sometimes I didn't even see their face, only a back, and I just knew that person needs to talk to somebody, so I went to them, and they opened up to me, and were amazed of how I could know they were going through something difficult. Sometime I just went and talked to them. Reminded them about how incredible people they really are, and how amazing life is, and said everything will be alright, just be brave and try and don't give up. I made quite a few people cry of relief, and they said I can't be a human being, I have to be an angel. And they were really grateful. I managed to give them hope. And that made me extremely happy, too. 

After the puberty life of course hasn't been as dramatic anymore as it used to be. And I've been so much more comfortable with the physical world. I'm able to live here now. Be a part of it. But I miss being that little girl, who lived in the spiritual world and was full of love, sunshine and understanding. I still feel like that's who I truly am, and I just need to go by this role of another person. Now I'm struggling to be completely true again. I don't want to wear a mask for my whole life. I want to be myself... But how can it be so difficult, to let go roles?

Is it even possible to truly combine these two worlds and be my original self in the physical world, too?