I wish I could write about the things I experience throughout the days... The little details I see and hear and the feelings I get. But it seems impossible. Which is extremely sad, because in my opinion, those seemingly pointless things are the very core of living...
Most of my knowledge is intuitive. I have a lot of thoughts, feelings and truths which I can't verbally express. The inner world is so beautiful. But I don't know how to make it visible to the eye. I haven't found the tools for that...
Life is like a puzzle. Millions of pieces, countless possible results. Depending on the individual choices the overall picture will be different. But I don't want to get stuck with one picture. Life is not about the result, the goal. It's about experiencing the different possibilities, and going with the flow (your own personal flow, not the standard one of the society:) I enjoy the journey so much, I don't want to ever be full and ready.
I want to float free in the eternal flow. And while floating I want to radiate. Joy, acceptance, new perspectives, keys, paths, possibilities, dreams, sunshine, growth, harmony, all these things... Change is eternity.
And what comes to love... It's part of freedom. I'm so full of love. Sometimes I wish I had a channel for that love, but hey, c'mon, I do. There's so many people in my life, who love me, and who I love... But sometimes I get blind. Sometimes I shut myself down, and fail to feel that love. How sad is that... Honestly, I don't know anyone else, who has this many exceptionally great people in their life. So many true friends. None of them is the character I've built in my head - and wake up, Anna, every single one of them is better than your dream image. They are real. I'm so lucky to not have transcripted figures in my life. I'm so lucky they flow free, exactly like I do. And I should be so aware to listen to their words and realise what they have to teach me.
I'm so happy I don't live in a Disney film. That I don't get a dull prince in the end, who rides a white horse, and has no edge, no personality. And that I'm not a spiritless image of what is concidered to be beautiful (in a very dull way). I'm unbelievably grateful that I make mistakes. That I have a stupid sense of humour and that I sometimes get lost. Getting lost means finding new things that you wouldn't find if you just stuck to the designated road.
And I mean this all with all of my heart, too. My heart, which by the way is full of real feelings, and not ashamed to feel the way it does. I don't want to aim to be a holy ghost. I don't wish to be cool, either. Not to be Mother Theresa, not to be Rihanna.
I'm here, I'm like this, and I'm happy with it. I wouldn't like to be anything or anyone else. If anyone feels differently about me, feel free to. Then I'm not meant to be a part of your world :)
perjantai 12. lokakuuta 2012
tiistai 9. lokakuuta 2012
Changing my world
I can't even remember a time when I was happy more than a two weeks time once in a blue moon. Don't get me wrong, I've always appreciated little things in life, I've always been happy for its beautiful details and I've always embraced the world. But I have truly but secretly been sad since I was just a few years old. I used to hide away for a while and let go of the optimistic approach, when nobody saw me. I wasn't upset. I really grieved.
And I've been pretty much the same until this moment, the age of 25.
Especially these last six weeks have been hard as hell. From last November until that point I was basically married to my job. I loved my job. A lot of responsibility, very overwhelming, impossible to seperate leisure time from it, I carried it on my mind all the time. I gave it my everything. All my energy. Which resulted me being so tired otherwise, that I sort of isolated myself from all the people in my life. I couldn't be bothered to have a real social life. Had a confusing and quite long sort of a relationship, and when that ended, I over concentrated on the job even more. It became my all and everything. Almost my only contents in life. Even when I was on holiday I did some work almost every single day.
And suddenly BOOM... it was gone...
And I felt I had nothing. Absolutely nothing. I always knew I'll probably only do a few projects and then the company will go out of business, but I wanted to ignore that fact. And when the day came, I was empty. I'd put all my stakes on my work, and when it vanished, I had lost. Quite literally, because so far I still haven't learned to save money ever, so all of the sudden I simply didn't have any, and didn't have any coming my way, either.
For a month I didn't do anything. I guess I collapsed straight into a mini depression. Nothing felt worth trying, nothing was interesting, I had no clue what I want from my life, what direction I want to turn to. Why do I even try? Nothing is forever. Whenever I have something, I lose it so quickly. That's how I felt. I was trying to live normally, but all the time just out of the blue I fell down on my knees and cried so hard I couldn't catch a breath anymore. It was physically painful, and it didn't stop. I pulled myself together again, and after ten minutes collapsed again. I don't belong here, I have nothing here. I'm not happy.
And then I went for a holiday in Ireland for two weeks. To North and to Dublin. I met such amazing people, everyone was such a character. I felt I was in a book. Everything was so unreal. Everyone was so interesting and characteristic, how could they be flesh and bones?
Many of the people might be a little bit nuts (which I love), but they're alive. Not the return of the living dead like in Finland ;) This nation seems to live in the moment and they can just spontaniously burst into a song, unexpected, as a group of people who are strangers to each other. (I've really seen this happen:) They're not as logical and steady as the Finns, but they do live with their hearts. Here's a secret that doesn't surprise anyone who knows me: I'm the same. I live in the moment, am a bit nuts and I can spontaniously burst into a song. And I definetely live with my heart.
Suddenly it was all clear... Whenever I was looking at the calmly dramatic nature, feeling the deep peace in the air, listening to drunken people joke, laugh and sing, tasting the Guinness, wondering how can these people make me feel so at home and so welcomed or saying hello to strange people on the street in Dublin (it's a city but still random people are so friendly, quite a difference to Helsinki:) There was no masks, no roles, no playing endless hide and seek, no hidden agendas. I realised it didn't just feel like a home... It was and it is my home. And I have to move there.
Now, back in Finland, I'm taking determined steps towards moving to Dublin. I still don't know where I'm going to work, where I will live and with whom (I have good options and guesses, though:) but I will be a Dubliner. I think I've always been one. Never have I ever before had such a love and trust and connection with entire nation, as I do with the Irish. They make me feel I can be myself. Not just a part of myself at a time, but fully and completely myself. I don't feel that in Finland, I didn't feel that in England, either. Not even in Scotland. But I do feel it in Ireland...
And I'm not the type of a person, who'd just sit at home, wondering if this is a good idea, and what could be the consequences, and try and think reasonably. Hah, no way. I've always listened to my intuition, I always follow it. If it feels like the right thing to do to jump, I just jump. I do have faith in life. If I won't change my life, it will always be the same. It's my responsibility to make my life as I wish it to be, to find the circumstances where I can be happy. So, I'm ready for action now.
I'm coming home
And I've been pretty much the same until this moment, the age of 25.
Especially these last six weeks have been hard as hell. From last November until that point I was basically married to my job. I loved my job. A lot of responsibility, very overwhelming, impossible to seperate leisure time from it, I carried it on my mind all the time. I gave it my everything. All my energy. Which resulted me being so tired otherwise, that I sort of isolated myself from all the people in my life. I couldn't be bothered to have a real social life. Had a confusing and quite long sort of a relationship, and when that ended, I over concentrated on the job even more. It became my all and everything. Almost my only contents in life. Even when I was on holiday I did some work almost every single day.
And suddenly BOOM... it was gone...
And I felt I had nothing. Absolutely nothing. I always knew I'll probably only do a few projects and then the company will go out of business, but I wanted to ignore that fact. And when the day came, I was empty. I'd put all my stakes on my work, and when it vanished, I had lost. Quite literally, because so far I still haven't learned to save money ever, so all of the sudden I simply didn't have any, and didn't have any coming my way, either.
For a month I didn't do anything. I guess I collapsed straight into a mini depression. Nothing felt worth trying, nothing was interesting, I had no clue what I want from my life, what direction I want to turn to. Why do I even try? Nothing is forever. Whenever I have something, I lose it so quickly. That's how I felt. I was trying to live normally, but all the time just out of the blue I fell down on my knees and cried so hard I couldn't catch a breath anymore. It was physically painful, and it didn't stop. I pulled myself together again, and after ten minutes collapsed again. I don't belong here, I have nothing here. I'm not happy.
And then I went for a holiday in Ireland for two weeks. To North and to Dublin. I met such amazing people, everyone was such a character. I felt I was in a book. Everything was so unreal. Everyone was so interesting and characteristic, how could they be flesh and bones?
Many of the people might be a little bit nuts (which I love), but they're alive. Not the return of the living dead like in Finland ;) This nation seems to live in the moment and they can just spontaniously burst into a song, unexpected, as a group of people who are strangers to each other. (I've really seen this happen:) They're not as logical and steady as the Finns, but they do live with their hearts. Here's a secret that doesn't surprise anyone who knows me: I'm the same. I live in the moment, am a bit nuts and I can spontaniously burst into a song. And I definetely live with my heart.
Suddenly it was all clear... Whenever I was looking at the calmly dramatic nature, feeling the deep peace in the air, listening to drunken people joke, laugh and sing, tasting the Guinness, wondering how can these people make me feel so at home and so welcomed or saying hello to strange people on the street in Dublin (it's a city but still random people are so friendly, quite a difference to Helsinki:) There was no masks, no roles, no playing endless hide and seek, no hidden agendas. I realised it didn't just feel like a home... It was and it is my home. And I have to move there.
Now, back in Finland, I'm taking determined steps towards moving to Dublin. I still don't know where I'm going to work, where I will live and with whom (I have good options and guesses, though:) but I will be a Dubliner. I think I've always been one. Never have I ever before had such a love and trust and connection with entire nation, as I do with the Irish. They make me feel I can be myself. Not just a part of myself at a time, but fully and completely myself. I don't feel that in Finland, I didn't feel that in England, either. Not even in Scotland. But I do feel it in Ireland...
And I'm not the type of a person, who'd just sit at home, wondering if this is a good idea, and what could be the consequences, and try and think reasonably. Hah, no way. I've always listened to my intuition, I always follow it. If it feels like the right thing to do to jump, I just jump. I do have faith in life. If I won't change my life, it will always be the same. It's my responsibility to make my life as I wish it to be, to find the circumstances where I can be happy. So, I'm ready for action now.
I'm coming home
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