A month ago I decided I'm going to move to Dublin. And it wasn't just a thought, I went into action. I dismissed my flat, promised to move away by the first of December. I started to look for a job in Dublin, and would now have one there. I've also browsed through some apartments, and would have a place to stay in Dublin while looking for my own place. I found places to store my furniture and other stuff in Finland. Everything was just working out on its own.
And then I got invited to a job interview in Helsinki. An event management job I had applied for a month earlier. A job that I back then said will solve everything for me. That if I'll get it, I will stay in Helsinki. And if I won't get it, I will move to Ireland. I didn't hear from them for a month so I assumed they've recruited someone else.
I was shocked. I had a re-evaluation crisis. And in the end decided to go to that interview, and really re-evaluate my life plans... So I went to the interview, and it went pretty well. Nothing's set in stone, though. I might really not get the job, they are interviewing six more people. If someone has experience of more of exactly similar job that this one would be, I'd guess they'd recruite that person over me. They were impressed by me, but a bit worried because I had no proof to show them that I can handle even ten projects at the same time, and really make the best out of them all. But we'll see.
The problem is that they will make the decision in two weeks. And in four weeks I will have to move out. So I'm running out of time, I really need to make decisions. Where am I going to move to? What will I do? The clock is ticking, the time is running out.
But why am I not really worried? I'm just living my life one day at the time, feeling pretty happy and content. During this past month I've really started to love my life here in Helsinki. And even though I still know I'd be very happy in Dublin, I've started to realise I would be very happy in Helsinki, too. The thing is, it doesn't really matter where I am. That happiness is in me, and it will be in me wherever I live. Therefore the decision doesn't really matter a lot. I probably should think about which place has more to offer me. But they both have their pros and cons...
I have my friends here in Finland... And I've actually been a little bit surprised to see how they've reacted to my plans. They really don't want to let me go, they really wish I would stay. Though if I leave, they'll understand and be happy for me. I really love my friends, they are the best, they really are... And in Finland I have better options in developing professionally, getting good jobs. Whereas Dublin would be an exciting adventure in itself! It's my favourite city in the world, at least in top 3. It's the music capital for me... I would love to live there!
But I'm about to be ready to settle, finally... I've been floating my whole life, I haven't really had roots, ever. I'm a traveler, always have been. I love adventures. I love taking off and jumping into unknown. But I've started to question my motives... Am I in fact running away from myself and my disappointments?
So now I'm going to spend the Christmas in Lapland with my family. This is the very first time for that since I moved away from Lapland when I was 18 years old, so seven years ago... And I'm not going into details, but it's a big thing. I'm really about to solve some very basic problems in my life. To face my past and shake hands with it. I feel so at ease, so peaceful, so in harmony, and so strong. I am ready to take the next step, to go to a new level in life. I am ready to live without fear and grief. And I'm so excited about this. All of the sudden everything looks a bit different. I'm a bit different. In fact, this is the big adventure I need to take. To go home and find peace there. That's my biggest life lesson. The big truths are usually very close to us. No matter how fast and far away I run, I won't find any more life changing truths anywhere else. This is it... :)
But I've also realised, it doesn't matter if I'll get the job I applied for in Helsinki... It doesn't matter what I do, what matters is who I really am. Not the location, not the position. Just me. Us all. What's within us. And the more I am being openly myself, the more people seem to be drawn to me. I've been getting such positive feedback from even complete strangers lately, it's amazing. It's like I've started to radiate, and the surroundings have started to radiate back! Which makes me want to radiate even more... :)
It's just a bit difficult for me to make decisions based on what I want right now... Because I know I'll be happy anyhow. I only have equally good options. So I've decided I'll let life guide me. I'm sort of waiting for something to show me the way. And I just believe something will lead me to the right direction. I will just know soon what I have to do. I must sound crazy, and maybe I am. But if madness means being this happy and in peace, I don't mind being an absolute wacko. In that case, shame on all of you stable, mentally healthy people out there, you don't know what you're missing! ;)
